ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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