but the lizard people decide everything anyway
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
