Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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