you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Randomize