my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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