Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
