come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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