I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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