quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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