talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch