this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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