I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
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Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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