I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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