bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I am available for nakedness
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
