last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
