some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
