My room smells like vodka and shame
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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