i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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