We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
