I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
