My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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