i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
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I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
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When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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