I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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