I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Panties = found
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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