I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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