Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
