my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
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i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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