dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
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