I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
