Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.