I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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