I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
