im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
