Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
