Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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