im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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