I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
