I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
