i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
