Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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