I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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