if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
