T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
40s are totally the cure
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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