well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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