I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
