It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
