tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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