I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
