my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
