Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
