remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
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there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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