Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He? As in you personified your dick?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
