My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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